vampireuk
08-17-08, 03:00 PM
The London Olympics, 2012
Your hosts:
Ant and Dec, those cheeky chappies off the TV
The Festivities:
Health and Safety announcement, followed by no smoking announcement, have your tickets and biometric ID cards ready for inspection announcement, and fire exit announcement.
An “urban dance” performance by the gangs of the London postcode districts, followed by a “shanking” display and synchronised knifing.
The Bands of the Traffic Wardens and Police Community Support Officers of Great Britain, playing a medley of inoffensive multicultural favourites.
Demonstration of “street fighting” – drinking, pushing, spitting, head stamping. All participants have been drug tested (drugs mandatory).
The Mobile Telephone Majorettes, from London schools, who will entertain and enthral with a display of mobile telephone twirling and amusing ringtones (including the “Nokia” favourite!)
Sir Cliff Richard and Sir Tony Blair will duet on stage, singing “Things Can Only Get Better” by D-Ream, accompanied by a nostalgic film from May 1997.
The Metropolitan Police Pistol Team will provide a display of Underground Brazilian Shooting (blank rounds).
Display of binge drinking and vomiting by the Ladettes of Great Britain
Royal Navy re-enactment of the Battle of the Straits of Hormuz, including the Stealing of the IPod.
Boy Racer parade…enjoy the procession of modified Citroen Saxo cars, with pimped-out windows and large-bore exhausts…these will be heard as far away as Paris!
Bling and tattoo display by the Chavettes of Great Britain
The Olympic Flame will be carried into the Stadium by the Clinically Obese Children of Great Britain (note: to be renamed “Slightly Overweight Children of Great Britain”). The procession of 500metres to the Ceremonial Plinth will take 2 hours, before the ceremonial Olympic Pyre of Taxpayers’ Money is lit.
Fireworks will be cancelled because of Health and Safety.
The celebrations will be led by the Dear Leader Dr Brown (note: the 2010 election was suspended due to civil contingencies) and his Olympic Minister Frau Jowell.
The National Anthem (“O How Prudent Thou Art”) will be mimed by a selected young girl of the appropriate multicultural skin colour that represents New Britain.
There will be no other spectators due to the 6 hour delay to the Olympic Trains (FirstGroup) although images of spectators will be photo-edited into the footage by the BBBC - Big Brother Broadcasting Corporation - from past Olympics including the 2008 Beijing Olympics and the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
Your hosts:
Ant and Dec, those cheeky chappies off the TV
The Festivities:
Health and Safety announcement, followed by no smoking announcement, have your tickets and biometric ID cards ready for inspection announcement, and fire exit announcement.
An “urban dance” performance by the gangs of the London postcode districts, followed by a “shanking” display and synchronised knifing.
The Bands of the Traffic Wardens and Police Community Support Officers of Great Britain, playing a medley of inoffensive multicultural favourites.
Demonstration of “street fighting” – drinking, pushing, spitting, head stamping. All participants have been drug tested (drugs mandatory).
The Mobile Telephone Majorettes, from London schools, who will entertain and enthral with a display of mobile telephone twirling and amusing ringtones (including the “Nokia” favourite!)
Sir Cliff Richard and Sir Tony Blair will duet on stage, singing “Things Can Only Get Better” by D-Ream, accompanied by a nostalgic film from May 1997.
The Metropolitan Police Pistol Team will provide a display of Underground Brazilian Shooting (blank rounds).
Display of binge drinking and vomiting by the Ladettes of Great Britain
Royal Navy re-enactment of the Battle of the Straits of Hormuz, including the Stealing of the IPod.
Boy Racer parade…enjoy the procession of modified Citroen Saxo cars, with pimped-out windows and large-bore exhausts…these will be heard as far away as Paris!
Bling and tattoo display by the Chavettes of Great Britain
The Olympic Flame will be carried into the Stadium by the Clinically Obese Children of Great Britain (note: to be renamed “Slightly Overweight Children of Great Britain”). The procession of 500metres to the Ceremonial Plinth will take 2 hours, before the ceremonial Olympic Pyre of Taxpayers’ Money is lit.
Fireworks will be cancelled because of Health and Safety.
The celebrations will be led by the Dear Leader Dr Brown (note: the 2010 election was suspended due to civil contingencies) and his Olympic Minister Frau Jowell.
The National Anthem (“O How Prudent Thou Art”) will be mimed by a selected young girl of the appropriate multicultural skin colour that represents New Britain.
There will be no other spectators due to the 6 hour delay to the Olympic Trains (FirstGroup) although images of spectators will be photo-edited into the footage by the BBBC - Big Brother Broadcasting Corporation - from past Olympics including the 2008 Beijing Olympics and the 1936 Berlin Olympics.