Good Morning (Wood)

[General Lee]

Wake up you bastards! Rise and shine! I was google some pics of morning wood, and came across Rodney Carrington's album cover of all things, lol.

http://www.moesrealm.com/img/album_covers/morningwood.jpg
http://images.payplay.fm/m/i/midgets/600/midgets.jpg
http://soldiersystems.net/blog1/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/morningwood.jpg

Morning Wood Camo. Man I have got to go deer hunting with that...or to a wedding. :rofl

[General Lee]

I swear to God, I went to bed drunk, woke up drunk, and the first thing I said was "where's my beer!?!?" The second thing I said was "damn I gotta piss". The coffee is taking to long to perc...because I forgot to turn the damn thing on. Got too much to say for that ****ty 140-character maximum Twitter bull****. I've come to realize that my fatass dog and my mother snore the same.

I dropped by the other morning and heard her snoring, and my dog was in the kitchen, passed out on the floor. I swear, you couldn't tell which one was in which room, lol. BTW, I moved back out...I'm now renting a tent, and a ****ty patch of dirt in the backyard. Yard my ass, I oughta call it the backdirt, cause that's all that's left after I took the '77 Chevy on a donut joyride.

The family wasn't too happy about that ****. They told me to pack my **** and get out...they said I could move into that tent, out in the backdirt, as long as I payed rent. At least I still get free food...all the potted possum I can eat, and saltine crackers. They won't even let me use the toilet, they gave me a shovel and told me to dig a hole. They said I had to wipe with my hands, but I had the last laugh...I got me some pine cones. Then I figured out that leaves, or hell, even my hand works better than that ****.

I got me a creek to take a bath in, even set up myself a little waterfall so I can shower. Problem is, there's cows upstream, and they like to **** in that water. Maybe bathing in Cow **** Creek ain't the greatest of idears. My brother is coming in from Greenwood today or tomorrow...he's bringing our tooth back. It's been a while since we got to use it, seeing as the family only has one, and we share it. It's about damn time, I've been looking forward to eating a steak.

I got me a job teaching kindergarten kids. They're great little ****ers. Why they were nice enough to color me with permanent markers while I was passed out drunk the other day. Who the hell needs makeup, I'm pretty already. One of those little bastards emptied a tube of crazy glue down my britches...y'all ever try taking a piss while your pecker is aiming down up at you? That little bastard just had to glue my **** while I was dreaming about a pretty girl, and it's been hard ever since. **** Viagra, I got me a kindergarten class with crazy glue to take care of that problem.

My grandfather told me I should get out, get a real job, see the world...I got out a globe, walked outside, and said "there it is". Now what? He didn't much care for that ****, so he rewrote his will. In fact, when he dies, he gets to inherit all my ****. Aight, coffee's ready, gotta go. I'll be back later! (crazy)


[SIZE=1]This fictional writing is brought to you by General Lee Motors[SIZE]

[six_storm]

Hmmm . . .

http://www.petrifiedwood.com/wood39.jpg

[Revs]

Rodney's chainsaw is a Stihl 066 with a 36" guidebar. Thought you all should know ;)

[General Lee]

I don't think the booze has worn off yet...but damn this coffee is good! :)

[General Lee]

You ever sleep with the same woman for so long that the sex just becomes another chore? Y'all married men know this best of all. Sometimes you gotta spice things up a little. Try telling you woman something like "Hey honey, let's go **** in the front yard!" or "Take off your shirt, stand in the front window, and show them neighbors whatcha got!"

Anyone ever buy a fake pecker for your woman? You can surprise her by asking her if you can play with it, too. Tell her that you want to go to Wal-Mart with it strapped to your leg, and see if anyone notices. If she says no, tell her that you bought the damn thing, you can play with it if you want.

Hell, chase her around the house with it. If the kids ask what you're doing, tell 'em that mommy's been bad, and she needs a spanking. If they wonder why you're naked, tell 'em it's cause mommy shrunk all your clothes in the dryer. (crazy)

[General Lee]

Just got done eating a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from Hardee's. I love dipping mine in a bowl of Texas Pete. Mmm mmm GOOD!

[General Lee]

I went to jail the other day. I was driving around one night, drunk as hell. I pulled up next to a cop and hollered "Damn am I glad to see you! I could've killed somebody! He got out, and told me to step out of the truck. I said "I can't, you get in." Well, he did. Then he drove me to jail. I thought we were going over to his house to get some more beer, but then I realized that I was the only one talking about it.

I've been to jail, and the one thing I learned is that they won't let you out. I asked 'em if they could let me out. Nuh uh. I tried dancing, crying, you name it, I did it. They don't give a ****, you're in for the night. So I thought it would be funny if I pulled that Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card out, and tell 'em to let me out. That didn't go over so well. They don't think that ****'s funny. Ever been hit with a fire hose? That **** hurts!

:lol:

[Blakhart]

_vhMhm9euT8

[General Lee]

I think I'm sharing too much with you people. Seriously, Mike oughta be paying me if I'm gonna be making an ass outta myself everyday. Momma tells me "GET A JOB!" Hell momma, I got one...it just don't pay ****! :lol:

YEEHAA! SING YOU BASTARDS!

I like my women like I like my chicken with a little bit of fat on the end. Not too much, not too little, just enough to make me grin. Well you see a little woman walking down the street, she ain't my type, I need a little more meet. She's skinny, oh, and not my cup of tea.

:D

[methimpikehoses]

How do I get some ****ing bacon around here??

[General Lee]

Pigs don't live under volcanoes, hoser. :D

Maybe you should have pushed button to receive bacon.

[General Lee]

They say fat girls ain't athletic, that's horse****. Take a turkey leg off her plate, take off running...see what happens. A girl asked me if the stripes on her shirt made her look fat. I said "hell no...it's the fat that makes you look fat!" I don't remember what happened next, but it hurt. I was drunk, but I felt her kick me in my fellas. I think that girl could kick a ****ing field goal from 200 yards, cause I felt the ground drop a few feet down. Either that, or I was suspended by a foot and my taters. That's my best friend fur ya, crazy ass redheaded fire-crotch.

The titties on this woman are the best I've ever seen, and I saw them a lot back in high school. Hell, I'm surprised we didn't just run around naked back then. Has it really been 10 years? Wow, my reunion's gonna be accented by flashing blue lights, I can see it now. I'm going to jail boys! :rofl

[Qbert]

http://i.pbase.com/o5/53/447553/1/67333433.zb0hmvan.MorningWood.jpg

:rofl

Oh man.....

:rofl !!!!!!!!!

:captnkill::captnkill::captnkill::captnkill:

[General Lee]

If you want to laugh at me, first send me money. There's a new rule 'round here. You gotta pay me a cover charge to log into...someone else's forums. Don't ask me how that works out, it just does...cause I want it to. I got a mouth to feed, and beer ain't free. I gotz da Paypalz! :lol:

[General Lee]

I wanna cuddle with one of you bastards! Who's gonna take one for the team? I see DOC in here, he can be my first victim. I'll leave him out on the side of the road for someone to pick up, with his underwear inside-out, down around his feet, like some sex-crime victim.

[General Lee]

Eatin' my fifth can of potted possum. God I love this ****. Today's lesson:

You date a girl with a twin, you're gonna want to screw the other one, just to see if she's as good, better, or if she's the freaky one. Then you're gonna want to have 'em both at the same time. If that ever happens to me, I'll go ahead and kill myself, cause the rest of my life would be miserable, because nothing would ever come close to that ****. You'd spend the rest of your damn life wishing that fun lasted forever, and since nothing would ever come close...you become a shell of a man.

[General Lee]

I just remembered something about my daughter, and I want to embarrass her to see to it that she never dates in her life. We were trying to potty train her. I'm sitting there drinking a beer, watching the race, when she walks straight into the room and takes off her clothes, squats down, says "watch this", and peed right on the damn floor. :rofl

I'm going to tell that to every boyfriend she ever gets...over, and over, and over, and over. :rofl

[General Lee]

This thread is to be my official blog. I cain't think of a better place to host my rantings and ravings. Hell, I'm a veteran here, and this ****'s free! BTW, tell Mike that I'm shamelessly plugging this site on Twitter. I ain't saying that's a good thing, because...well hell, y'all have read the crap I post on a daily basis. But I have followers on Twitter, though for the life of me I cain't figure out why, free publicity is awesome. I think I'll head on over to eunuch.org and piss someone off. :lol:

[General Lee]

I think I done killed the forums. Nobody's done posted **** in the last five minutes. Speaking of which, I think that potted possum's done caught up with me. Playin' dead my ass, that possum's gotta hold a'me! Now where's that State Yer Stool thread? I got some business to tend to!

[General Lee]

Don't make me bring Frank inside...he's been eatin' my grass, ****tin' in my yard, and he ain't too happy about those horns coming in! BTW, Frank is the young escape-artist bull that has been pissing off my fatass dog Dixie. Y'all don't want to deal with no bull going through puberty.

[General Lee]

My little girl has been going to another Bible School the week, and today's the last day of it. That means I'm going to commision, whatever the hell that is. That means I'm going to church drunk...again. Now, I ain't no rocket scientist (Lord knows I tried to fly with that homemade rocket), but I ain't no idiot.

I've gotta go to church stone drunk. Now, I know I can't pull this off, as long as nobody asks me to confess a sin...cause I done a lot of that, lol. I can BS my way through this, but I don't feel too righteous walking into a House of God with poison in my veins. You just don't do that. So...either my daughter's going to kick my ass, or God is. One only lasts as long as her attention span, and the other could guarantee my place in Hell.

I think I'll go, and if some preacher gives me a hard time, I'll tell him to point me to the crackers and wine, and I'll eat dinner while the rest of the church goes without. Yep, I have a feeling that I'm about to piss off my maker, and that ain't no good thang boys. Wish me luck! :)

[Qbert]

Layer by layer, your soul is being revealed to you Gen. Alcohol is a good lubricant. :thumbsup:

[General Lee]

Layer by layer, your soul is being revealed to you Gen. Alcohol is a good lubricant. :thumbsup:

This is my thread. You ought to be paying me rent, or a cover charge, or some ****! For what it's worth, the brain doesn't need blood, you just gotta keep it wet. Like you said...alcohol makes for a good lube. I wonder what kinda sound it makes when you juice it down and rub it between two plates of polished glass...

BTW, I can play music on crystal glasses, filled to different volumes of beer. My parents were amused when I showed them, but then they yelled at me for being drunk. Actually, I think it had more to do with me wearing a dress, but who are they to judge! (crazy)

[Qbert]

This is my thread. You ought to be paying me rent, or a cover charge, or some ****! For what it's worth, the brain doesn't need blood, you just gotta keep it wet. Like you said...alcohol makes for a good lube. I wonder what kinda sound it makes when you juice it down and rub it between two plates of polished glass...

BTW, I can play music on crystal glasses, filled to different volumes of beer. My parents were amused when I showed them, but then they yelled at me for being drunk. Actually, I think it had more to do with me wearing a dress, but who are they to judge! (crazy)

LOL dude, you crack me up.

BTW, I pay rent via misc humor and hawt woman in compromised situations/motions/positions/limited amounts of clothing...etc.

Also...if you ever git down here to California, I will be your wingman free of charge. Would be mass fun.

:beer:
Q