PsychoSy
08-10-03, 10:58 AM
If you thought dealing with MCI, AT&T, or AOL was bad, think again. I don't know if this letter is legit or not but it sure sounds like it could be. As we're about to see here, the acerbic Mr. Gorman from the UK was so upset with his cable company, he really took the time to let them know in detail. :)
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was
canceled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday
sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.
HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks, my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested and
begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly
35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and
most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are,
it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was sh*t; that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment, what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --shine
like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief --- will quickly be replaced
by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I've enclosed two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
A. Gorman
I laugh my ass off every time I read this thing! :rofl :rofl :rofl
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was
canceled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday
sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.
HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks, my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested and
begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly
35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and
most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are,
it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was sh*t; that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment, what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --shine
like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief --- will quickly be replaced
by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I've enclosed two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
A. Gorman
I laugh my ass off every time I read this thing! :rofl :rofl :rofl