Riptide
04-02-04, 10:01 AM
Retrosexual
OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no
more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code.......
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady.
A Retrosexual DEALS with ****. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end
cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the "dealing with ****" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy
didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When
you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just damned fun to shoot.
Crying...........
There are very few reasons that a retrosexual may cry, and none of them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can
cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a
pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body
part.
A retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones
may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in
his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy,
Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack, Rocky I,
II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull,
Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir
Dogs, or Fight Club.
When a retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled
Banner.
A retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, car maintenance.
A retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20mph.
A retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.
A retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.
A retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
"Life is hard it's harder if you are stupid...." Anonymous
OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no
more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code.......
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady.
A Retrosexual DEALS with ****. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end
cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the "dealing with ****" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy
didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When
you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just damned fun to shoot.
Crying...........
There are very few reasons that a retrosexual may cry, and none of them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can
cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a
pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body
part.
A retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones
may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in
his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy,
Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack, Rocky I,
II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull,
Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir
Dogs, or Fight Club.
When a retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled
Banner.
A retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, car maintenance.
A retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20mph.
A retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.
A retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.
A retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
"Life is hard it's harder if you are stupid...." Anonymous