View Full Version : The definitive guide for Battlefield 2!

08-03-05, 11:03 AM

Quite possibly the funniest article I've ever read. Here's how it starts out and it only gets better:

Always Punish Team Kills! - This is the primary goal of Battlefield 2; to punish your teammates as much as possible and as frequently as possible! Unleash your unbridled nerd rage to lash out upon all that surround you, taking out years of aggression on digital representations of those who beat you up in junior high school and forced you to drink roofing tar. Did a teammate somehow kill you after your character ran directly in front of his jeep, giving him absolutely no chance to stop or avoid you? Punish them! Did you decide to hold a breakdancing jamboree on top of a minefield, one where you're the guest of honor? Make them pay! You're untouchable online, and every punishment for a team kill gets you one step closer to defeating the ghosts of Billy Reynolds, the football player who caught and made fun of you in the locker room for masturbating to an erotic drawing of Garfield. Be sure to always punish for team kills if you play on the American side, as our country is known far and wide for its citizens blaming others for their own unbridled idiocy.

08-03-05, 11:18 AM
Ya that article is great. I encourage all BF2 fans to read it.

08-03-05, 11:29 AM
When I saw it was on SomethingAwful, I knew this had to be funny :)

08-03-05, 11:50 AM
My personal favorite:

If Somebody Is Using a Ground Vehicle's Gun, Get In and Drive It Away! - Some vehicles, such as jeeps and vans, have mounted cannons on top to scare away enemy birds. If you see a stationary vehicle, one where somebody is manning the top gun and shooting at some indeterminate location, feel free to jump right in and drive it away! I mean, obviously the guy was just sitting around like a useless dreg and waiting for an experienced driver to take him somewhere, anywhere! How else can you possibly explain somebody sitting inside a vehicle and not driving it? If the person manning the machine gun has placed land mines directly in front of the vehicle and even says "please do not get in, I'm using the gun to defend the flag," just ignore him, hop into the driver's seat, then drive right over the land mines, killing you both! Then punish for a team kill because you're a stupid f*cking reject of the human race who deserves to have hot metal skewers jabbed into your eye sockets while a homeless man slices open your stomach and shoves pieces of broken glass and rusty bicycle gears into you. Not that I'm still mad.

Can't stand whenI'm trying to defend a flag (that has obviously been the target of countless rush attacks) and I'm manning the gun on a vehicle, someone almost always comes in, drives us away from the flag we're supposed to defend and the flag gets taken, we die, etc.

08-03-05, 12:09 PM
The TK paragraph is spot on! I still think it's the fault of the server admins (can friendly fire be disabled?) because about 85% of these servers should turn it off.
The team-oriented and clan ones I can see leaving this option enabled.

08-03-05, 12:23 PM
Something Awful is the greatest site on the web, you should know that by now. :D

Rampant CL
08-03-05, 01:09 PM
im outraged that my isp blocked sa.com but not the forums! It makes no sense

08-03-05, 03:44 PM
What kind of ISP do you have. They block sa.com what a load of crap. They shouldn't be blocking anything except maybe phishing/scam sites.
I'd switch!

08-03-05, 03:50 PM
omg that was hilarious. Cant tell u how many times im in a tank as an engineer.. get out to repair it.. and some guy takes off with it as im repairing it.

Rampant CL
08-03-05, 04:08 PM
What kind of ISP do you have. They block sa.com what a load of crap. They shouldn't be blocking anything except maybe phishing/scam sites.
I'd switch!

a truly evil one!

08-03-05, 05:04 PM
LMAO .... great article.

08-03-05, 10:31 PM
this drives me insane:

Revive Fallen Teammates In the Middle of Firefights! - Medics are equipped with the awesome power of revival, resuscitating teammates from the dead. As many BF2 games have proven, the primary cause of death is by being killed, so hang out in an area where a bunch of people are being shot by opposing troops. Then, while gunfire constantly erupts around you from the surrounding enemy team, sweep in like an angel of mercy and revive as many comrades as possible! It doesn't matter if there's absolutely no chance of anybody escaping the firefight alive once you awaken them to the land of the living, the whole goal is to simply revive them! After that, they're on their own; it's not like it's your job to keep them from dying! If you're feeling particularly generous, maybe you can scatter some medikits all over the ground so when they instantly die, their corpses can kind of pose with them and it will look cute.