PsychoSy
02-22-03, 10:14 AM
Something I haven't done in a while here - an update on the ol' homefront.
Over the course of the past few months, I've been involved with a court dispute involving my daughter Gwen. To make a long story short, Chris's (my ex) Dad and GF filed for guardianship and that caused a mess - a Hatfield Vs. McCoys type of mess. I tried (and think I've succeeded) in playing the centrist role in this whole thing but I got a lot flak for periodically "taking sides" or "switching sides".
Earlier this week, that came to end. The court mess is over. The petition of guardianship was dismissed and the court ruled that Gwen stays with the mother. I can accept that and afterwards,
I asked everyone involved on her side of the family if the hatchet is going to be buried now. For the most part, it is but Chris (Gwen's Mom) and her side of the family feel that Cheryl (Chris's Dad's SO) should remain in the doghouse. She's not family, she's being preachy, yada, yada, yada. I'm not going to argue with that
idea because neither she nor Chris's dad - the petioners for guardianship - showed up for the final court case earlier this week (which wasn't the REASON for the dismissal but I'm sure in confirmed the judge's suspicions that dismissal was the right ruling).
Gwen's Mom and I have come to mutual agreements and there's no problems between us. We get along for the most part and she does have a open mind and ear to my concerns. She understyand that my job involves dealing with kids and when I get a day off, I need a break - I need "ME time". So, after the court case, I came clean with her, diginifed my concerns as well as gave her a glimpse of how this rigamorole has effected me.
No problems.
My mother and I, however, are really at odds. I feel that she is using my daughter to minipulate me and rudely trying to live MY life through me. She repeatedly shows no respect whatsoever for our (mine and Chris's) decisions and lately, whenever the subject of my daughter comes up, my Mother turns all "holier-than-thou", becomes really preachy and we get into a huge argument.
Here's what she did a few days ago - She finds out what days I have off and then approaches Chris to get Gwen for those days despite her having only 1 day off. She done this with the assumption that I "do nothing else but sit in front of a computer" and took the liberty to plan those days for me. She doesn't take the time to educate herself how much grueling work I actually do at this damn desk.
Now, spending time with Gwen was included in my plans for my time off from work - always is - however my view is *I* must decide the DURATION of that time and nobody else has that right. My mother continually fails to understand that Chris and I are
simply trying to the best we can and bending over backward trying to make our respective families happy and there are other things such as pressing committments - some of these committments are there so that we can BETTER ourselves. But when things like this come up, we are put into a position to BREAK those commitments just to pacify someone else, and we find that disrepectful and intrusive.
My mother takes this to believe that I don't want anything to do with Gwen and continually makes these intrusions in an effort to justify her position - a postion that holds NO water whatsoever. Besides, one of the motivating factors for Chris's leaving me was...SURPRIZE!...ME making HER plans and trying to live life THROUGH her. My mother is too damned BLIND to see that she is doing to me what I did to my ex that created a major factor in the failure in our relationship!! :banghead:
We've been getting into heated arguments lately.
They pretty much sound like this...
"Considering, what we've been through, I think I'm doing a good job. I'm trying my damndest and the only person that is taking fault with that is YOU, Mom. You are convinced of a pre-conceived notion that I'm not doing enough..."
"And you're not!!"
"...and the last time I checked, I'm 29 and don't answer to you anymore. MY first priority is to my IMMEDIATE family - me and Gwen. And the bottomline is whenever Gwen sees me, she's got a smile on her face and we have a great time together. As far as Gwen is concerned, she's content as hell..."
"Well, when she gets older, she'll know how much of a deadbeat you are because I'm going to tell her..."
"Oh, that's your motive? Hate? Selfishness? You would rather tear apart an allready strained relationship considering the circumstances I do have with Gwen just to sastify you're own ridiculous sense of righteousness?!? You're motive sure isn't love...and if it is, it sure as hell is awfully shallow. How would you feel if I conditioned my daughter to believe that YOU - her gramma - is the most selfish, arrogant, unloving, unthoughtful, disrepectful, and self-centered person on this planet
and shouldn't be trusted at all...and I did so on the basis of what I had to endure for those 29 years being your son?"
"I'd knock the hell out of you!!"
"Right, because it's brainwashing. Instead, I'm convinced that she'll eventually learn all that about you from first hand experiance but the point is you'd lash out. What's stopping me from knocking the hell out of YOU for threatening to brainwash my daughter?!?"
"I'M YOUR *bleeping* MOTHER!
"By blood but lately, not by virtue!!"
"GO AHEAD AN HIT ME, YOU SOB!!"
"I will...but with words that'll sting worse that any slap. The bottom line is, contrary to what you think, I have NOT given up on Gwen. That would be TOO EASY and I don't do things the easy way. If you don't believe that, ask Dad. I've been a pain in his ass forever. Lastly, I can honestly say that when it comes to giving up, I have invested more in Gwen in the last 2 years that you ever invested in your sister..."
"Well, Imogene and Emily don't come around..."
"I'm talking about Joetta ..."
She hit the roof with that one, and it was quite low. I was consumed, though. My aunt Joetta was adopted out and she's my mother's "long lost sister". Her and my Dad tried their damndest to find her in the 80s but kept pulling up roadblocks and dead ends. They gave up and haven't lifted a single finger to
find her since - even with today's talk shows galore on the subject and with the internet explosion. How dare she say I've given up?!?
Regardless, I handled that terribly and playing the "Joetta" card was pretty much stooping to her level. I just don't know how to deal with and approach my "fault-finding" mother. I feel as if there's no point in trying to pacify her by "obeying Mom" because no matter what I do, she'd still find fault somewhere, point to it, and then say, "This here is proof that you're just a deadbeat that doesn't do enough?"
How can I deal with such a "bottomless pit"? :(
Last night was rough...You will not believe this.
We've been having a problem with our furnace - constant pilot outtages, loud "booming" sounds just before it ignites, etc. A week prior, a gas explosion in the trailer park behind us killed lives, damaged homes, and resulted in evacuations. I was at WORK seeing people I know on TV talking about this event and I was worried to death because my parents had Gwen that night. The previous morning, Dad woke me up and said, "You gotta come out here and keep an eye on Gwen. I've been up with the furnace all night. Had to re-light it three times..."
No problem, I had plenty of sleep.
Last night, 10 before 7PM, I'm making Gwen and I some dinner. The furnace goes boom. And it wasn't just an ordinary boom either. I can handle mild thumps but this sucker rattled the walls and floor. I thought it was an earthquake. Sounded like someone in the basement had fired a .22 rifle!! I had Gwen in my arms and I about fell over it startled me that bad.
I didn't ask questions - furnaces that go boom like that will only make bigger freakin' booms and one of them will be fatal. I called Gwen's great-grandparents and have them take Gwen back to her Mom. My dad? D-R-U-N-K!!! He'd only been in bed for an hour or and nobody can't sleep off 8+ beers in an hour. He can barely walk down the steps as it is!! And I don't know JACK about furnaces, especially those that go BOOM. My belief is if it goes boom, avoid the sonofabitch. Let a certified technician deal with it!!
Eventually, my dad gets up, jumps on me for "getting rid of the baby" and I have a nervous breakdown knowing that when my Mom comes home between 11PM and Midnight, she'll go bat****. And she did - "Gee, thanks alot! I knew you'd so something like that because you didn't want to watch her!! I just bought the baby food and milk and here you gave her away and I'm the one that went and got her!!"
WTF?!?!:banghead: :cry: :confused:
Over the course of the past few months, I've been involved with a court dispute involving my daughter Gwen. To make a long story short, Chris's (my ex) Dad and GF filed for guardianship and that caused a mess - a Hatfield Vs. McCoys type of mess. I tried (and think I've succeeded) in playing the centrist role in this whole thing but I got a lot flak for periodically "taking sides" or "switching sides".
Earlier this week, that came to end. The court mess is over. The petition of guardianship was dismissed and the court ruled that Gwen stays with the mother. I can accept that and afterwards,
I asked everyone involved on her side of the family if the hatchet is going to be buried now. For the most part, it is but Chris (Gwen's Mom) and her side of the family feel that Cheryl (Chris's Dad's SO) should remain in the doghouse. She's not family, she's being preachy, yada, yada, yada. I'm not going to argue with that
idea because neither she nor Chris's dad - the petioners for guardianship - showed up for the final court case earlier this week (which wasn't the REASON for the dismissal but I'm sure in confirmed the judge's suspicions that dismissal was the right ruling).
Gwen's Mom and I have come to mutual agreements and there's no problems between us. We get along for the most part and she does have a open mind and ear to my concerns. She understyand that my job involves dealing with kids and when I get a day off, I need a break - I need "ME time". So, after the court case, I came clean with her, diginifed my concerns as well as gave her a glimpse of how this rigamorole has effected me.
No problems.
My mother and I, however, are really at odds. I feel that she is using my daughter to minipulate me and rudely trying to live MY life through me. She repeatedly shows no respect whatsoever for our (mine and Chris's) decisions and lately, whenever the subject of my daughter comes up, my Mother turns all "holier-than-thou", becomes really preachy and we get into a huge argument.
Here's what she did a few days ago - She finds out what days I have off and then approaches Chris to get Gwen for those days despite her having only 1 day off. She done this with the assumption that I "do nothing else but sit in front of a computer" and took the liberty to plan those days for me. She doesn't take the time to educate herself how much grueling work I actually do at this damn desk.
Now, spending time with Gwen was included in my plans for my time off from work - always is - however my view is *I* must decide the DURATION of that time and nobody else has that right. My mother continually fails to understand that Chris and I are
simply trying to the best we can and bending over backward trying to make our respective families happy and there are other things such as pressing committments - some of these committments are there so that we can BETTER ourselves. But when things like this come up, we are put into a position to BREAK those commitments just to pacify someone else, and we find that disrepectful and intrusive.
My mother takes this to believe that I don't want anything to do with Gwen and continually makes these intrusions in an effort to justify her position - a postion that holds NO water whatsoever. Besides, one of the motivating factors for Chris's leaving me was...SURPRIZE!...ME making HER plans and trying to live life THROUGH her. My mother is too damned BLIND to see that she is doing to me what I did to my ex that created a major factor in the failure in our relationship!! :banghead:
We've been getting into heated arguments lately.
They pretty much sound like this...
"Considering, what we've been through, I think I'm doing a good job. I'm trying my damndest and the only person that is taking fault with that is YOU, Mom. You are convinced of a pre-conceived notion that I'm not doing enough..."
"And you're not!!"
"...and the last time I checked, I'm 29 and don't answer to you anymore. MY first priority is to my IMMEDIATE family - me and Gwen. And the bottomline is whenever Gwen sees me, she's got a smile on her face and we have a great time together. As far as Gwen is concerned, she's content as hell..."
"Well, when she gets older, she'll know how much of a deadbeat you are because I'm going to tell her..."
"Oh, that's your motive? Hate? Selfishness? You would rather tear apart an allready strained relationship considering the circumstances I do have with Gwen just to sastify you're own ridiculous sense of righteousness?!? You're motive sure isn't love...and if it is, it sure as hell is awfully shallow. How would you feel if I conditioned my daughter to believe that YOU - her gramma - is the most selfish, arrogant, unloving, unthoughtful, disrepectful, and self-centered person on this planet
and shouldn't be trusted at all...and I did so on the basis of what I had to endure for those 29 years being your son?"
"I'd knock the hell out of you!!"
"Right, because it's brainwashing. Instead, I'm convinced that she'll eventually learn all that about you from first hand experiance but the point is you'd lash out. What's stopping me from knocking the hell out of YOU for threatening to brainwash my daughter?!?"
"I'M YOUR *bleeping* MOTHER!
"By blood but lately, not by virtue!!"
"GO AHEAD AN HIT ME, YOU SOB!!"
"I will...but with words that'll sting worse that any slap. The bottom line is, contrary to what you think, I have NOT given up on Gwen. That would be TOO EASY and I don't do things the easy way. If you don't believe that, ask Dad. I've been a pain in his ass forever. Lastly, I can honestly say that when it comes to giving up, I have invested more in Gwen in the last 2 years that you ever invested in your sister..."
"Well, Imogene and Emily don't come around..."
"I'm talking about Joetta ..."
She hit the roof with that one, and it was quite low. I was consumed, though. My aunt Joetta was adopted out and she's my mother's "long lost sister". Her and my Dad tried their damndest to find her in the 80s but kept pulling up roadblocks and dead ends. They gave up and haven't lifted a single finger to
find her since - even with today's talk shows galore on the subject and with the internet explosion. How dare she say I've given up?!?
Regardless, I handled that terribly and playing the "Joetta" card was pretty much stooping to her level. I just don't know how to deal with and approach my "fault-finding" mother. I feel as if there's no point in trying to pacify her by "obeying Mom" because no matter what I do, she'd still find fault somewhere, point to it, and then say, "This here is proof that you're just a deadbeat that doesn't do enough?"
How can I deal with such a "bottomless pit"? :(
Last night was rough...You will not believe this.
We've been having a problem with our furnace - constant pilot outtages, loud "booming" sounds just before it ignites, etc. A week prior, a gas explosion in the trailer park behind us killed lives, damaged homes, and resulted in evacuations. I was at WORK seeing people I know on TV talking about this event and I was worried to death because my parents had Gwen that night. The previous morning, Dad woke me up and said, "You gotta come out here and keep an eye on Gwen. I've been up with the furnace all night. Had to re-light it three times..."
No problem, I had plenty of sleep.
Last night, 10 before 7PM, I'm making Gwen and I some dinner. The furnace goes boom. And it wasn't just an ordinary boom either. I can handle mild thumps but this sucker rattled the walls and floor. I thought it was an earthquake. Sounded like someone in the basement had fired a .22 rifle!! I had Gwen in my arms and I about fell over it startled me that bad.
I didn't ask questions - furnaces that go boom like that will only make bigger freakin' booms and one of them will be fatal. I called Gwen's great-grandparents and have them take Gwen back to her Mom. My dad? D-R-U-N-K!!! He'd only been in bed for an hour or and nobody can't sleep off 8+ beers in an hour. He can barely walk down the steps as it is!! And I don't know JACK about furnaces, especially those that go BOOM. My belief is if it goes boom, avoid the sonofabitch. Let a certified technician deal with it!!
Eventually, my dad gets up, jumps on me for "getting rid of the baby" and I have a nervous breakdown knowing that when my Mom comes home between 11PM and Midnight, she'll go bat****. And she did - "Gee, thanks alot! I knew you'd so something like that because you didn't want to watch her!! I just bought the baby food and milk and here you gave her away and I'm the one that went and got her!!"
WTF?!?!:banghead: :cry: :confused: