vampireuk
03-05-03, 01:01 PM
The Saddam and George show
Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam
Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively
reveals what could have happened had they met
Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian
Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised
debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live
from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will
begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.
Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my
evil friend to the UN, one of the great American
institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout
the world.
Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's
debate we may find some common ground between the
Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress
and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.
Bush: Do I answer that?
Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do
you have any links with al-Qaida?
Bush: I do not.
Blair: The question is for President Saddam.
Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if
I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links
then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but
since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it
follows that I have no such links.
Bush: Neither do I.
Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if
America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would
win?
Bush: That's easy. America, right?
Saddam: Even I knew that one.
Bush: That's because the great United American States
of America are on the side of rightliness and
Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of
Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis?
Three?
Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.
Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.
Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq
is not part of any Axis of Evil.
Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?
Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to
destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in
accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?
Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed
these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them,
but since we do not have any such weapons, we are
happy to comply, even though these non-existent
weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range
of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have
any.
Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr
President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can
avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to
reach a negotiated solution?
Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam
must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully,
in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B,
which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then
he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other
weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found,
to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally,
there is one more task he must perform, which I am not
at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be
enough.
Blair: The translator would like to take your answer
home with him and work on it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.
Saddam: OK.
Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a
word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr
Richard Stilgoe.
Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the
action of disarming" according to the OED.
Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.
Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.
Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an
anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?
Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.
Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?
Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the
Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the
break.
:D
Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam
Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively
reveals what could have happened had they met
Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian
Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised
debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live
from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will
begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.
Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my
evil friend to the UN, one of the great American
institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout
the world.
Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's
debate we may find some common ground between the
Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress
and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.
Bush: Do I answer that?
Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do
you have any links with al-Qaida?
Bush: I do not.
Blair: The question is for President Saddam.
Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if
I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links
then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but
since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it
follows that I have no such links.
Bush: Neither do I.
Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if
America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would
win?
Bush: That's easy. America, right?
Saddam: Even I knew that one.
Bush: That's because the great United American States
of America are on the side of rightliness and
Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of
Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis?
Three?
Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.
Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.
Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq
is not part of any Axis of Evil.
Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?
Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to
destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in
accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?
Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed
these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them,
but since we do not have any such weapons, we are
happy to comply, even though these non-existent
weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range
of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have
any.
Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr
President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can
avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to
reach a negotiated solution?
Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam
must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully,
in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B,
which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then
he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other
weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found,
to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally,
there is one more task he must perform, which I am not
at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be
enough.
Blair: The translator would like to take your answer
home with him and work on it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.
Saddam: OK.
Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a
word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr
Richard Stilgoe.
Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the
action of disarming" according to the OED.
Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.
Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.
Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an
anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?
Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.
Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?
Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the
Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the
break.
:D