I've made a hilarious breakthrough.
Turns out that I was on stock voltage the whole time, this card actually overclocks like a monster. I'm at 950mhz stable at 1.3v. I certainly feel silly for messing up the voltage. Don't mind the voltage reading from nvidia inspector, it is incorrect.
If I had a bios mod and an aftermarket cooler, I bet I could hit 1ghz. I'm considering picking up either a Thermalright Spitfire, an Arctic Cooling Accelero Extreme Pro, or an Aquagrafx full copper waterblock.