Military History of France

DaveW · 02-26-03, 03:22 PM

Just incase you missed it

----------------------

The Complete Military History of France.

Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War – Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause historians to correctly label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome,” and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for “Deutschland Über Alles.”

War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

The War of Greenpeace – Lost. Thanks to Emperor Misha, for reminding Clubbeaux that after Frog frogmen bravely blew up an unarmed Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbour in 1983 and bravely killed unarmed people doing so, thereby commencing hostilities, “the attack catapulted Greenpeace to the international spotlight, boosting its popularity and presence to record levels. The incident gave Greenpeace worldwide publicity and brought it a deluge of new members. Lloyd Cutler, former White House counsel to President Jimmy Carter, negotiated an $8 million settlement from the French Government.”

As Misha says, “You attack a bunch of filthy, granola-munching hippies and you end up having to fork over $8,000,000 to make them stop harrassing you? You surrendered to friggin’ GREENPEACE??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

War on Terrorism – Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Shinri Hikari · 02-26-03, 07:53 PM

ROFLMOA

***CENSORED*** · 02-26-03, 11:01 PM

Q: How many soldiers does it take to defend France?

A: Dunno. It's never been tried.

Sazar · 02-27-03, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DaveW
Just incase you missed it

----------------------

Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

how is this a bad thing?

the romans (italians) ruled for a long time and their resourcefulness in picking up the pieces after every disaster has made them one of the most admired of ancient societies...

2000 years ago.. the romans still had something to offer... the italians of the WW II are a different matter but please do not confuse the 2...

UDawg · 02-27-03, 02:39 AM

The French suck. Mark my words we will soon see why they are so opposed to the war in Iraq.

BTW the newest French weapon is a white flag.

This all gives us plenty of reason to bomb Iraq and then bomb the French. We do not want to invade France, just bomb it and then leave, do a sort of fly by bombing.

vampireuk · 02-27-03, 04:40 AM

heh, I can hardly see America bombing france

Because someone says no to you that doesnt give you the right to attack them

silence · 02-27-03, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by vampireuk
heh, I can hardly see America bombing france

Because someone says no to you that doesnt give you the right to attack them

me agrees.......problem is >> US doesn't

stncttr908 · 02-27-03, 08:45 AM

Why should France and Germany support us? I mean what the hell, we only rebuilt their countries after WWII and put in place their democratic systems.

Kruno · 02-27-03, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by stncttr908
Why should France and Germany support us? I mean what the hell, we only rebuilt their countries after WWII and put in place their democratic systems.

EXACTLY! WTF should they support the USA?

vampireuk · 02-27-03, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by stncttr908
Why should France and Germany support us? I mean what the hell, we only rebuilt their countries after WWII and put in place their democratic systems.

so because of that they should follow you no questions asked

when america were dragged into the war was there an agreement between those countries saying they must support america? No? Oh well in that case they do not have to support you!

silence · 02-27-03, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by K.I.L.E.R
EXACTLY! WTF should they support the USA?

why should anyone support EVERYTHING you guys do??

you ain't saints of this world,you know...there's nuff blood on US hands as well.

Kruno · 02-27-03, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by silence
should any supER THING you do??

you insane nuf bodon US hands well.

Funny, I never got a well.

02-26-03, 03:22 PM	#1
DaveW Its me! Hurray! Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Brit in USA Posts: 4,610	Military History of France Just incase you missed it ---------------------- The Complete Military History of France. Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War – Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause historians to correctly label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome,” and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.” French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for “Deutschland Über Alles.” War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. The War of Greenpeace – Lost. Thanks to Emperor Misha, for reminding Clubbeaux that after Frog frogmen bravely blew up an unarmed Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbour in 1983 and bravely killed unarmed people doing so, thereby commencing hostilities, “the attack catapulted Greenpeace to the international spotlight, boosting its popularity and presence to record levels. The incident gave Greenpeace worldwide publicity and brought it a deluge of new members. Lloyd Cutler, former White House counsel to President Jimmy Carter, negotiated an $8 million settlement from the French Government.” As Misha says, “You attack a bunch of filthy, granola-munching hippies and you end up having to fork over $8,000,000 to make them stop harrassing you? You surrendered to friggin’ GREENPEACE??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” War on Terrorism – Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s. __________________ Core2 Q9400 @ 3.0, eVGA GTX 260, 4G DDR 800, Vista64

02-26-03, 07:53 PM	#2
Shinri Hikari Lantern in the dark Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: nomadic Posts: 293	ROFLMOA __________________ Insanity by definition is the repeated attempts to get different results from doing the same thing repeatedly...

02-27-03, 04:40 AM	#6
vampireuk **** Holster Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: The armoury Posts: 16,977	heh, I can hardly see America bombing france Because someone says no to you that doesnt give you the right to attack them __________________ All an MP has done is persuade 10,000-13,000 proles who've agonised over the decision for as long as 3 or 4 seconds that he's not quite as big of a c0ck as the other muppets standing next to him on the stage come election night.

02-27-03, 08:45 AM	#8
stncttr908 You are great doctor! Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: NJ, USA Posts: 9,008	Why should France and Germany support us? I mean what the hell, we only rebuilt their countries after WWII and put in place their democratic systems. __________________ PC - \| E4300 @ 3.2GHz (9x355) 1.35V w/ D-Tek Fuzion @ 29C idle 40C load ORTHOS stable @ 3.5/1.5V \| Gigabyte 965P-DS3 Rev. 3.3 \| 4GB G.Skill DDR2-800 @ 888MHz 4-4-3-5 w/Corsair Dominator Cooler \| jAKUp Edition eVGA 8800GTX @ stock w/EK FC-8800GTX block @ 42C idle 49C load \| Thermochill PA120.2 w/2x Yate Loon 1200rpm\| Swiftech MicroRES \| Laing DDC w/Petra's Delrin Top \| Masterkleer 1/2" ID 3/4" OD \| WD 200GB \| 2x320GB Seagate 7200.10 SATA RAID 0 \| 2x Seagate 500GB USB 2.0 \| Lite-On 20x SATA DVD+RW \| Silverstone TJ-09 \| Corsair 620W PSU \| Logitech Z-5500s \| Sennheiser HD-570 headphones \| Audigy 2 ZS Platinum \| Dell 2007FP \| Dell 2007WFP \| Laptop - \| Dell Inspiron 1420 \| C2D T7300 (2.0GHz, 4MB cache) \| 2GB DDR2-667 \| 160GB 7200RPM HDD \| DVD +/- RW \| 14.1" WXGA+ (1440x900) \| Broadcom 802.11g \| NVIDIA 8400M GS 128MB \|

02-26-03, 11:01 PM	#3
*CENSORED* Enter the Homertrix! Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: My own private hell Posts: 212	Q: How many soldiers does it take to defend France? A: Dunno. It's never been tried.

02-27-03, 02:39 AM	#5
UDawg Retired spammer Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 1	The French suck. Mark my words we will soon see why they are so opposed to the war in Iraq. BTW the newest French weapon is a white flag. This all gives us plenty of reason to bomb Iraq and then bomb the French. We do not want to invade France, just bomb it and then leave, do a sort of fly by bombing.

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